Thursday, March 3, 2011

DIY meets WTF.*

I live in fear that someone at the hardware store will see me digging purposefully through the racks and ask if I need help.

It's true that I have some social anxiety that makes it hard for me to talk to strangers sometimes...but that's not the reason for my fear.  The reason is that I'm usually seeking supplies for some weird-ass personal project that I can't or won't explain to a total stranger.

So, any time I'm at Home Hardware, Canadian Tire, Rona, etc. and I accidentally catch the eye of an employee, I go into panic mode inside my head: "What if s/he comes over here and asks if I need help?  What if for some reason s/he won't take no for an answer and I'll be obliged to actually say what I'm looking for?"  and I start mentally rehearsing my question so that I can sound breezily nonchalant when the time comes (my theory is that if I sound matter-of-fact enough, the person might not notice that I'm saying something totally fuckin' wackadoo).  These mental rehearsals look something like this...

...or this...

...or this.**

Luckily, I've never actually had to have these conversations with anyone: the employees always end up either going away when I say I'm just looking, or else not coming over to me at all.

But if it ever does happen, I'll let you guys know how it goes.

*title shamelessly borrowed from Regretsy.
**I'll admit that I just made up the iguana thing for comic effect.  The other two pics, though, are 100% true-to-life.


  1. "Yes, but you're not hearing me: I need it to be stronger than human /skin/, but weaker than human /bones/, get it? God, why is that so hard to understand!?"

  2. I like the Hyperbole and a Half sort of direction you've been taking.

    Chain? Wouldn't rope, with a pair of EMT shears handy, be safer? Chain does have an aesthetic effect that rope doesn't, though.

  3. Anonymous: "...and also, I'm going to require some lotion. And a basket to put it in. And where can I find your hoses? Hellooooo? Are you even listening to me?!"

    Charles: I suck at knots. Also, rope would probably get frayed by the edges of the pipe (I was making a DIY leg-spreader) while chain would not. The "quick release" issue is solved by using simple clips to attach the ends of the chain to leather ankle restraints.

  4. I see. I was imagining the chain itself being used around the ankles at the ends of the spreader.