The Boy and I are walking home from the grocery store.
Me: Is...is that ice cream truck playing La Cucaracha?!*
Boy: Oh my god, it is! That is totally an 8-bit** version of La Cucaracha.
Me: Maybe they've had a bunch of health code violations and they're trying to subtly warn us.
Boy: Maybe!
Me [in a cheesy "little kid" voice]: "Gosh, Mister, this ice cream is great! What are these crunchy bits?"
Boy: *Gags*
Me: BAH HA HA HA I WIN!!!!!!!!
*It's this song. "Cucaracha" is Spanish for cockroach.
**8-bit music is basically what all the 80s video games had. Very simple, plinky-and-beepy-sounding synthesizer tunes. Now people sometimes cover more recent music in that style for fun. It's kind of awesome.
I'm livin' the dream...but for how long?
Showing posts with label terrible marketing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label terrible marketing. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Personally, I'm Holding Out for Glitter Tampons.
I had yet another appointment with the ophthamologist yesterday. My eyes have finally healed enough that I can get tested for a new glasses prescription*, yay!
While I was waiting for my turn with the eye doctor, I flipped through a fashion magazine. I should mention that I rarely read magazines (or newspapers, or watch tv, or listen to the radio)...I guess in many ways I'm kind of sheltered from the world. And I am continually reminded that this is a good thing.
The magazine had an ad for maxi pads. With decorations on them.
I'm not against pointless decoration of an object per se (I guess technically all decoration is pointless...). My dishes are yellow, for instance, and although plain white dishes would work just as well, the yellow makes me happy. But printing a design on something I'll look at for two minutes and then shed chunks of uterine lining all over seems particularly ridiculous (even more so than bleaching tampons!**). Plus I bet these "Kotex U"*** pads cost more than plain ones. Plus I wonder how healthy it is to have coloured dye up against one's ladybits.
And even if I did have a demented preoccupation with my sanitary products looking "fun", I wouldn't want a pad with abstract swirls printed on it. I'd want the Wikipedia entry for Hermann Rorschach. Or a vampire at the dinner table, presiding over a strategically placed empty plate. Or red bars at the top and bottom so the pad will end up looking sort of like a sideways Canadian flag.
Tangent: Rorschach's Wikipedia entry has his picture on it and it turns out he was a stone cold fox. He's what would happen if Cary Elwes from The Princess Bride had a baby with Brad Pitt and then sent it back in time to the 1800s! Don't believe me? I have constructed a visual aid:
*I actually found out about the damage during an optometrist appointment. The doctor was all, "Do you have any concerns about your vision?" and I said it seems like my vision had gotten way worse in just the past few weeks, especially in my right eye. That's when she examined me and found a bunch of scratches - which had irritated my eyes and caused them to fill with fluid, giving me temporary astigmatism. Gross.
**Vagina-owners take note: tampons are bleached so they look more sanitary (I'm guessing their natural colour would be off-whitish?). Rayon tampons that have been bleached with chlorine make a chemical residue that's been linked to a number of health problems, including cancer and infertility. All this for something you're just gonna bleed on anyway.
***The next time I have my period, I'm going to tell people I'm a student at Kotex U. And that I'm majoring in "Chocolate" and minoring in "Cranky".
While I was waiting for my turn with the eye doctor, I flipped through a fashion magazine. I should mention that I rarely read magazines (or newspapers, or watch tv, or listen to the radio)...I guess in many ways I'm kind of sheltered from the world. And I am continually reminded that this is a good thing.
The magazine had an ad for maxi pads. With decorations on them.
 |
| They kind of look like sneaker soles with tabs on the sides. |
I'm not against pointless decoration of an object per se (I guess technically all decoration is pointless...). My dishes are yellow, for instance, and although plain white dishes would work just as well, the yellow makes me happy. But printing a design on something I'll look at for two minutes and then shed chunks of uterine lining all over seems particularly ridiculous (even more so than bleaching tampons!**). Plus I bet these "Kotex U"*** pads cost more than plain ones. Plus I wonder how healthy it is to have coloured dye up against one's ladybits.
And even if I did have a demented preoccupation with my sanitary products looking "fun", I wouldn't want a pad with abstract swirls printed on it. I'd want the Wikipedia entry for Hermann Rorschach. Or a vampire at the dinner table, presiding over a strategically placed empty plate. Or red bars at the top and bottom so the pad will end up looking sort of like a sideways Canadian flag.
 |
| My heart will swell with patriotism every time I visit the ladies' room. |
 |
| This pic of Rorshach was taken in 1910. He's probably less hot now. |
*I actually found out about the damage during an optometrist appointment. The doctor was all, "Do you have any concerns about your vision?" and I said it seems like my vision had gotten way worse in just the past few weeks, especially in my right eye. That's when she examined me and found a bunch of scratches - which had irritated my eyes and caused them to fill with fluid, giving me temporary astigmatism. Gross.
**Vagina-owners take note: tampons are bleached so they look more sanitary (I'm guessing their natural colour would be off-whitish?). Rayon tampons that have been bleached with chlorine make a chemical residue that's been linked to a number of health problems, including cancer and infertility. All this for something you're just gonna bleed on anyway.
***The next time I have my period, I'm going to tell people I'm a student at Kotex U. And that I'm majoring in "Chocolate" and minoring in "Cranky".
Friday, June 3, 2011
This is why I don't watch tv.
I just saw a commercial for a tooth-whitening product where an attractive woman with great teeth was all "As a professional photographer, I really want my subjects to have white teeth." And just as she said this, a fine-print disclaimer popped up that said: Paid actress. Not a professional photographer.
This brings up so many questions for me. Such as:
-Doesn't the disclaimer destroy the whole point of the commercial (which is that this woman is an expert and we should listen to her)?
-Wouldn't it have made more sense to let the woman play herself? ("As a spokesmodel, I find I get a lot more work - and a lot more admiring glances! - when my teeth look their whitest!")
-If they were stuck on the idea of it being a photographer, couldn't they have found a real one? Or do real photographers all have yellowed, crumbling teeth?
-Why did they think a photographer would be the ultimate authority on white teeth, anyway? I'd've gone with a sociologist quoting actual studies on nicer teeth getting people better jobs, more friends, etc. (I'm sure there must be studies that show this).
-Do commercials without fine-print disclaimers actually feature real dentists/doctors/etc.? Because I always kind of assumed they were all paid actors.
So, yeah...every time I try to watch tv, I get baffled and infuriated and have to turn it off again. This time was a record, though: I reached my breaking point within 30 seconds.
It's gonna take a whollllllllle lot of Futurama to cleanse my palate this time.
This brings up so many questions for me. Such as:
-Doesn't the disclaimer destroy the whole point of the commercial (which is that this woman is an expert and we should listen to her)?
-Wouldn't it have made more sense to let the woman play herself? ("As a spokesmodel, I find I get a lot more work - and a lot more admiring glances! - when my teeth look their whitest!")
-If they were stuck on the idea of it being a photographer, couldn't they have found a real one? Or do real photographers all have yellowed, crumbling teeth?
-Why did they think a photographer would be the ultimate authority on white teeth, anyway? I'd've gone with a sociologist quoting actual studies on nicer teeth getting people better jobs, more friends, etc. (I'm sure there must be studies that show this).
-Do commercials without fine-print disclaimers actually feature real dentists/doctors/etc.? Because I always kind of assumed they were all paid actors.
So, yeah...every time I try to watch tv, I get baffled and infuriated and have to turn it off again. This time was a record, though: I reached my breaking point within 30 seconds.
It's gonna take a whollllllllle lot of Futurama to cleanse my palate this time.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
More Advice For Entrepreneurs
Today I planned to do a Shoutout Sunday showcasing the awesome purse organizer I bought at The One of a Kind show a few weeks back. Unfortunately, when I tried to Google the company for purchasing information to share with y'all, I came up with nothing. This company that made the organizer apparently doesn't have an online store or a website, meaning I have no idea how one would go about purchasing their wares aside from running into the company randomly at a craft fair, meaning that a shoutout about them would be less "This company is cool! Please buy their stuff!" and more "I have a cool thing and you don't, suckers!"
I've actually been thinking about marketing strategies (and mistakes!) a lot lately, and here's why: yesterday, The Boy and I went to TCAF (the Toronto Comic Arts Festival). And it. Was. Crowded.
Regular readers of this blog may remember me mentioning once or twice that I have some anxiety issues. Specifically, crowded and chaotic places give me panic attacks. After ten minutes in this building, pushing forward at a snail's pace while being constantly buffeted by people's shoulders and knapsacks, my brain was in major Red Alert Mode and I told The Boy I might have to bail and go home. Somehow, he convinced me to stay - and so I found myself trying to enjoy art and interact with artists while in the throes of blinding panic.
Ultimately, I didn't get much out of TCAF at all....and after The Boy and I burst out of the Toronto Reference Library into sweet, sweet freedom, I started analyzing my experience and wondering what the vendors could have done to make the experience simpler and more rewarding for me. I came up with several ideas (which I'll totally implement myself if/when I try to sell my stuff at a craft fair):
-Dramatic signage: some vendors had a big sign behind their table with their name and a drawing on it so you could see who they were and what their style was like from across the room. That was awesome. Most vendors didn't, though, and so they blended into the general chaos.
-Clear labelling: I was too overwhelmed by the crowds, etc., to try to make conversation with many of the artists...but there's a better chance I would have if I'd known who was who. Many tables showcased more than one artist and I was worried that I'd pick up a graphic novel and go "Hey, I love your work!" and the person would go "Yeah...that was drawn by the girl next to me." I have decided that if I'm ever sharing a table at an event, I'll cover my side of the table with a piece of coloured bristol board so it's obvious that all the stuff laid out on there belongs to that side. I'll also wear a t-shirt with my company name and/or url and/or one of my drawings on it so I'm even more identifiable.
Also, there were a bunch of times when I liked someone's work and thought "I can't talk to the artist or buy their comic right now because my brain is pounding with fear-chemicals, but I'll take a business card so I can look them up on the internet at home!" But what I initially assumed were business cards often turned out, upon closer examination, to be business-card-sized stickers the person was selling. Or else they were business cards but they were right in the middle of a bunch of other little paper goods for sale. At any rate, I had this fear that if I tried to take a business card I'd end up busted for shoplifting, so I rarely took one. One table had a little sign next to their business cards saying "please take one!" and that was wonderful - it removed all the guesswork. I'm totally doing that.
And, I never knew what the etiquette was with the graphic novels - will the artist get annoyed if I thumb through one without buying, or will they see it as an expression of interest? Some vendors had a stand-up rack with one copy of their comic on it and then a bunch more stacked up in-behind, which pretty clearly indicates "here's a sample copy for you to read, and if you want to buy it I'll give you a fresh one." Clarity rocks.
Friendliness: a surprising number of artists just sat behind their tables sketching or whatever and didn't even look at the attendees. I'm sure an established fan who wanted to buy something (and was not cripplingly shy...) would've spoken up no problem, but to a n00b like me who just wanted to maybe ask a question, the lack of eye contact acts as a big ol' DO NOT DISTURB sign.
On the flip side, though, there were people who said hi to all passers-by and tried to engage them in conversation - which meant that The Boy and I glanced through a few portfolios of people whose work didn't actually appeal to us, just to be polite. Awkward!
I think if I'm ever the one sitting behind the table, I'll make eye contact and smile at my customers to show that I'm approachable, but wait for them to start conversations if they're so inclined. And I'll try to prominently display art that's provocative in some way so it gives people a natural conversation-starter.
In conclusion: I realize that most people don't attend comic conventions/art fairs/craft shows/etc. in a state of mind-bending terror. However, since my anxiety makes me the least likely to buy things, talk to people, or even take a business card, if you can manage to woo me as a customer, you'll be able to woo anyone. And that's why my advice here is sound and sensible and not just the ravings of a madwoman.
I'm really glad I went to TCAF, even though being there burned me right the hell out and made me useless for the rest of the day. The experience got me thinking and gave me a much better idea of how to conduct business once I'm ready to sell my stuff in a not-online kind of way.
Do you have any tips to add? If you've ever been a vendor, what are some things you've done to improve your customers' experience? If you've ever gone to any kind of festival or convention where they sold stuff, what did people do to catch your eye...or what do you wish they did? Please share your thoughts in the comments!
I've actually been thinking about marketing strategies (and mistakes!) a lot lately, and here's why: yesterday, The Boy and I went to TCAF (the Toronto Comic Arts Festival). And it. Was. Crowded.
 |
| The Boy took this pic from the stairway, near the end of our visit; when we first arrived it was so crowded that the floor would not have been visible at all. |
Ultimately, I didn't get much out of TCAF at all....and after The Boy and I burst out of the Toronto Reference Library into sweet, sweet freedom, I started analyzing my experience and wondering what the vendors could have done to make the experience simpler and more rewarding for me. I came up with several ideas (which I'll totally implement myself if/when I try to sell my stuff at a craft fair):
-Dramatic signage: some vendors had a big sign behind their table with their name and a drawing on it so you could see who they were and what their style was like from across the room. That was awesome. Most vendors didn't, though, and so they blended into the general chaos.
-Clear labelling: I was too overwhelmed by the crowds, etc., to try to make conversation with many of the artists...but there's a better chance I would have if I'd known who was who. Many tables showcased more than one artist and I was worried that I'd pick up a graphic novel and go "Hey, I love your work!" and the person would go "Yeah...that was drawn by the girl next to me." I have decided that if I'm ever sharing a table at an event, I'll cover my side of the table with a piece of coloured bristol board so it's obvious that all the stuff laid out on there belongs to that side. I'll also wear a t-shirt with my company name and/or url and/or one of my drawings on it so I'm even more identifiable.
Also, there were a bunch of times when I liked someone's work and thought "I can't talk to the artist or buy their comic right now because my brain is pounding with fear-chemicals, but I'll take a business card so I can look them up on the internet at home!" But what I initially assumed were business cards often turned out, upon closer examination, to be business-card-sized stickers the person was selling. Or else they were business cards but they were right in the middle of a bunch of other little paper goods for sale. At any rate, I had this fear that if I tried to take a business card I'd end up busted for shoplifting, so I rarely took one. One table had a little sign next to their business cards saying "please take one!" and that was wonderful - it removed all the guesswork. I'm totally doing that.
And, I never knew what the etiquette was with the graphic novels - will the artist get annoyed if I thumb through one without buying, or will they see it as an expression of interest? Some vendors had a stand-up rack with one copy of their comic on it and then a bunch more stacked up in-behind, which pretty clearly indicates "here's a sample copy for you to read, and if you want to buy it I'll give you a fresh one." Clarity rocks.
Friendliness: a surprising number of artists just sat behind their tables sketching or whatever and didn't even look at the attendees. I'm sure an established fan who wanted to buy something (and was not cripplingly shy...) would've spoken up no problem, but to a n00b like me who just wanted to maybe ask a question, the lack of eye contact acts as a big ol' DO NOT DISTURB sign.
On the flip side, though, there were people who said hi to all passers-by and tried to engage them in conversation - which meant that The Boy and I glanced through a few portfolios of people whose work didn't actually appeal to us, just to be polite. Awkward!
I think if I'm ever the one sitting behind the table, I'll make eye contact and smile at my customers to show that I'm approachable, but wait for them to start conversations if they're so inclined. And I'll try to prominently display art that's provocative in some way so it gives people a natural conversation-starter.
In conclusion: I realize that most people don't attend comic conventions/art fairs/craft shows/etc. in a state of mind-bending terror. However, since my anxiety makes me the least likely to buy things, talk to people, or even take a business card, if you can manage to woo me as a customer, you'll be able to woo anyone. And that's why my advice here is sound and sensible and not just the ravings of a madwoman.
I'm really glad I went to TCAF, even though being there burned me right the hell out and made me useless for the rest of the day. The experience got me thinking and gave me a much better idea of how to conduct business once I'm ready to sell my stuff in a not-online kind of way.
Do you have any tips to add? If you've ever been a vendor, what are some things you've done to improve your customers' experience? If you've ever gone to any kind of festival or convention where they sold stuff, what did people do to catch your eye...or what do you wish they did? Please share your thoughts in the comments!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
An open letter to the creator of the Nicorette inhaler
Dear Sir (I'm not even going to pretend you might be female),
How did your product get to the manufacturing stage without anyone mentioning its striking resemblance to a plastic tampon applicator? Do you have any women working in your marketing department at all?
I don't have an MBA or anything but I feel that you're not really understanding the motivations of your target audience here. Most people start smoking because they think it looks badass. Eventually, they may want to quit smoking because they're sick of being short of breath and coughing up tapioca pudding, but - and this is important - they still probably want to look and feel badass. And you're unironically telling them to fellate a feminine hygiene product. In public.
I mean, seriously. You couldn't at least have made it black?
Anyway, if this thing isn't exactly flying off the shelves, now you know why.
Respectfully,
Meredith Viner
How did your product get to the manufacturing stage without anyone mentioning its striking resemblance to a plastic tampon applicator? Do you have any women working in your marketing department at all?
I don't have an MBA or anything but I feel that you're not really understanding the motivations of your target audience here. Most people start smoking because they think it looks badass. Eventually, they may want to quit smoking because they're sick of being short of breath and coughing up tapioca pudding, but - and this is important - they still probably want to look and feel badass. And you're unironically telling them to fellate a feminine hygiene product. In public.
 |
| "Mmmmmm, fresh!" |
Anyway, if this thing isn't exactly flying off the shelves, now you know why.
Respectfully,
Meredith Viner
Friday, December 10, 2010
Open Letter to a Spammer
Dear sir or madam,
Thank you for your generous offer to add up to 2" to the length of my penis. However, I do not in fact possess a penis. Furthermore, if I woke up one day to find that I had spontaneously grown a penis, its size would be the least of my concerns.
In conclusion: your ongoing interest in enhancing my boudoir activities through organ enlargement iscreepy touching, but unnecessary. Please remove me from your mailing list.
Kind regards,
Meredith Viner
Thank you for your generous offer to add up to 2" to the length of my penis. However, I do not in fact possess a penis. Furthermore, if I woke up one day to find that I had spontaneously grown a penis, its size would be the least of my concerns.
In conclusion: your ongoing interest in enhancing my boudoir activities through organ enlargement is
Kind regards,
Meredith Viner
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