Saturday, March 12, 2011

Caturday: Orifice Job

I'm not sure if this anecdote is funny, per se.  It's just a story about something that started out kind of gross but turned into a cat/human bonding moment. Don't worry, it has a happy ending!

So, a week or two ago I was sitting on the couch, minding my own business, when Birch came into the room...squat-waddling so that his butt scraped along the floor.  He dragged his ass through the entire living room and into the kitchen...and then a few minutes later he dragged his ass back through the living room and into the bedroom.

It was kind of creepy, actually, like something out of The Exorcist.  But it was also worrying: I knew that sometimes dogs do the squat-waddle when they have worms.  With great trepidation, I followed Birch into the bedroom to have a look-see.  He ran away when he saw me coming, but I managed to get him cornered on the bed and take a look at his bum.

Hallelujah!  Birch just had a piece of poo stuck to his fur.  I would not have to take him to the vet, incur a huge bill, and then chase him around the house every day trying to give him medication*.  I could completely solve this problem in two seconds using nothing more than my hand and a fresh Kleenex.  Hold still, Birchy, Mommy's about to make you all better...

But then a surprising thing happened.  Instead of coming off easily, the clump of poo detached reluctantly, with a startling ripping sound...

...leaving behind a lovely little bouquet of The Boy's hair.

The Boy and I figure we probably eat about a pound of Birch fur a year, just from him accidentally shedding on our food and stuff.  Apparently, this phenomenon goes both ways.  And now I knew why that turd didn't come off even with Birch using our entire apartment as toilet paper.

I should mention here that you're not supposed to pull stringy things out of an animal's butt; the other end might be wound up in their insides and cause major damage when you start pulling.  If I'd realized Birch's poop was fastened to him by a bunch of long hairs, I'd've used scissors to cut it off instead.

Luckily, though, Birch was unscathed by the incident.  He didn't seem physically hurt or even pissed off at the indignity I'd put him through: he actually seemed to understand that I'd rescued him.  He purred and headbutted me and I swear he was even smiling.

So, all's well that ends well.

*I'm assuming a worm problem would require daily medication to clear it up...but which end of the cat would it go in?


  1. is he still constipated? (making sounds while in litterbox?)

  2. I haven't noticed him doing the poo-cries in a long time so I guess he's okay now! Thanks for asking. :D