Saturday, December 18, 2010

Caturday: ...Because Nobody Ever Calls Their Pet by Just One Name

Here, for your dubious entertainment, is a list of nicknames The Boy and I have given to our kitty, Birch.

Baby Birchy
Birchismo (like "machismo" - a sarcastic comment re: his manliness)
Bunnycat (because he is sooooo soft)
Duckbilled Bratapuss
(because he is a brat)
Dumbapuss (because he is dumb)
GET YOUR ANUS OUT OF MY EYE!!!!! (we yell this at him so often, he probably thinks it's his actual name.  Why do cats always have boundary issues?)
GODDAMMIT GET AWAY FROM THERE (another phrase that gets nickname status because of how often we greet him with it)
Poo Paddles (after his paws, which he uses to bury litterbox evidence)
Powderpuff (because he is fluffy and spoiled and wussy)
Prison Birch (when The Boy pretends to hump him...yeah, I don't know either)
Purr Machine
Shopping Cart ("I think Birch just looked up when I said his name!  Does he know his name?" "Maybe…try calling him something totally random and see if he looks up.")
The Purrminator
Tribble (actually his middle name.  A Star Trek creature known for its purr.)
Uglypuss (but we're just kidding.)

Also, a list of songs we I sing to Birch (incorporating him into the lyrics, of course):

She's a Lady - Tom Jones ("he's got style, he's got grace/he's got whiskers on his face/he's a Birchy!")
What's New, Pussycat - Tom Jones ("what's new, Birchycat?  WHOAOAOAOAOA...")
Oediupus - Regina Spektor ("then one morning I woke up and I thought BIRCHICUS BIRCHICUS BIRCHICUS BIRCHICUS"..."'cause Birchy-two is still a goddamned number!  Birchy-two still counts!")
Various loud and dramatic classical instrumental pieces ("Birch Birch Birch BIRRRRRRRRCH")

I'm sure there are more songs but these are the only ones coming to mind right now.

By the way, Birch likes to act embarrassed when I sing to him but I know he secretly loves it.

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