Saturday, April 16, 2011

Caturday: How to Wake up Mommy (a Guest Post by Birch!)

Oh hai!  Mai name iz Birch Tribble Viner and I are dis weekz "guest writur".  Today I tellz u how to WAKE UP MOMMY.  I haz a very gud proven teck tekneek syztem.

Mommy iz not gud at wakeupz.  Most morningz she lookz like dis.

Dis no fun for Birchy.  Dis not get Birchy fud in bowl or hed-petz.  CAN HAZ WAKEUPZ NOW? Yes!  I showz u how:

Iz important to see if Mommy iz ded (if she iz ded, I can HAZ KITCHEN COUNTER PARTY with no spankz!  But if NOT ded, I can haz CAT FUD and MANY PETZ.  Fud and petz iz bettur).

I takez a close look to maded sure.


Iz still not clear, so next step is to haz bum in Mommy's face for checking breathy action in chest.

I seez breathy akshun!

Breathy akshun iz gud newz!  Time for happy bounce!  Can haz stomak trampoleen?  CAN haz!

Mommy iz not ded!  Perhaps iz simply deep exiztential crisisisis keeping Mommy from wakeupz.  Iz necez nessess gud to fight exiztential crisisisis by showing Mommy she can haz LUV.  I showz her by lying on her neck for purr-cuddlez.  Windpipe is excellent place for haz elbow! She will likez.

Still no wakeupz?  Iz time to show MOAR LUV with deep eye contakt and carezz da face many tiems!  I LUV U MOMMY!  I GENTLY PAT UR EYEZ WIT MAI CLAWZ!!!

Last resort that nevur failz: violent throwups in next room.
"ALRIGHT goddamit I'm up!"

I hope u finded my wakeupz guide helpful!  Kthxbai!


  1. Eerily similar to Hamlet's wakeupz method, except I would add: Walk across mama's head repeatedly to test reaction timez.

  2. Birch isn't much of a headwalker, thank god; he's more of a walk-on-your-hair sort of cat, and since mine is too short to step on, The Boy gets the brunt of it. :D