Saturday, June 25, 2011

The hippies are right: everything IS connected!

So a couple of months ago I scratched my eyeballs all up in a freak incident and I've been periodically checking in with a specialist who monitors the healing process.  She inspects the amount of damage by dripping neon yellow liquid into each eye, which pools up in the scratches, and then she shines a blacklight into each eye to make the yellow stuff glow.  It's like there's a rave on my corneas and everyone's invited!

My latest eye appointment was a couple of days ago.  On my way home, I went to blow my nose (I still have that cold and it's in the "five thousand pounds of watery mucus trying to burst from my head at all times" stage).

Apparently some of the Magical Raver Eyeball Juice had slid down my tear ducts and into my nose.  I ended up with a tissue full of poisonous-looking electric-yellow snot.

The eye specialist also prescribed me some special drops to help speed the healing process.  A minute after I dripped the first dose into my eyes, my mouth filled with a medicinal flavour: once again, liquids were moving all through my head without permission.

I always knew that there are tunnels deep in the human head that connect the eyes, nose, and mouth (and ears) but it grosses me out to see proof.  Pleh.

Also: the medicinal eye drops were milky white and I was afraid they'd make me look like a blind lady from a really cheesy Lifetime movie.  They didn't; however they did sting like a bitch.

Confidential to the Eye Specialist Lady: in future I'd prefer that you explain what you're about to do to me instead of just holding my chin with one hand while using the other to jab tools or lights toward my squishy, glistening, wide-open eye.  I thought maybe you'd catch on to my need for exposition the first or second time I shrieked "GAH!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?" but alas, no.  So, I'll try to be more clear: most people - including me - find it alarming when someone lunges at their eyes without warning.  Especially when the lunger is holding a toothpick with yellow stuff on the end of it.  A heads-up would be nice, y'know?  And while you're at it, feel free to mention the fact that the instrument you're using won't actually be touching my eyeball.  This may seem like a minor piece of information but it is in fact crucial to my emotional well-being.  Thanks!


  1. It's so hard to find good help....

  2. my sister's friend used a netty pot once... you don't realize how much mascara and eyeliner get into your eyes until you're rinsing black streaks from your sinuses. i'm intrigued personally, but i can't stand the feeling of foreign liquid all up in my nose-junk.

  3. Yeah, I could never snort water up into my head like that. I'm not sure how one even does that without choking and dying. That is fascinating about the black makeup gunk though!