Thursday, July 21, 2011

Personally, I'm Holding Out for Glitter Tampons.

I had yet another appointment with the ophthamologist yesterday.  My eyes have finally healed enough that I can get tested for a new glasses prescription*, yay!

While I was waiting for my turn with the eye doctor, I flipped through a fashion magazine.  I should mention that I rarely read magazines (or newspapers, or watch tv, or listen to the radio)...I guess in many ways I'm kind of sheltered from the world.  And I am continually reminded that this is a good thing.

The magazine had an ad for maxi pads.  With decorations on them.

They kind of look like sneaker soles with tabs on the sides.

I'm not against pointless decoration of an object per se (I guess technically all decoration is pointless...).  My dishes are yellow, for instance, and although plain white dishes would work just as well, the yellow makes me happy.  But printing a design on something I'll look at for two minutes and then shed chunks of uterine lining all over seems particularly ridiculous (even more so than bleaching tampons!**).  Plus I bet these "Kotex U"*** pads cost more than plain ones.  Plus I wonder how healthy it is to have coloured dye up against one's ladybits.

And even if I did have a demented preoccupation with my sanitary products looking "fun", I wouldn't want a pad with abstract swirls printed on it.  I'd want the Wikipedia entry for Hermann Rorschach.  Or a vampire at the dinner table, presiding over a strategically placed empty plate.  Or red bars at the top and bottom so the pad will end up looking sort of like a sideways Canadian flag.  

My heart will swell with patriotism every time I visit the ladies' room.
Tangent: Rorschach's Wikipedia entry has his picture on it and it turns out he was a stone cold fox.  He's what would happen if Cary Elwes from The Princess Bride had a baby with Brad Pitt and then sent it back in time to the 1800s!  Don't believe me?  I have constructed a visual aid:

This pic of Rorshach was taken in 1910.  He's probably less hot now.

*I actually found out about the damage during an optometrist appointment.  The doctor was all, "Do you have any concerns about your vision?" and I said it seems like my vision had gotten way worse in just the past few weeks, especially in my right eye.  That's when she examined me and found a bunch of scratches - which had irritated my eyes and caused them to fill with fluid, giving me temporary astigmatism.  Gross.

**Vagina-owners take note: tampons are bleached so they look more sanitary (I'm guessing their natural colour would be off-whitish?).  Rayon tampons that have been bleached with chlorine make a chemical residue that's been linked to a number of health problems, including cancer and infertility.  All this for something you're just gonna bleed on anyway.

***The next time I have my period, I'm going to tell people I'm a student at Kotex U.  And that I'm majoring in "Chocolate" and minoring in "Cranky".


  1. Plus I wonder how healthy it is to have coloured dye up against one's ladybits.

    Meredith, dear, you had someone insert colored dye under your skin with a needle. It is far too late to worry about dye. ;)

    I agree that it's difficult to imagine anything more pointless to decorate. I can imagine a few things that might tie, like the underside of Dr. Scholl's inserts or the lath for a plaster-and-lath wall.

  2. Meredith, dear, you had someone insert colored dye under your skin with a needle. It is far too late to worry about dye. ;)

    I think everyone has stuff they worry about and stuff they don't, healthwise, even if it doesn't make a lot of sense. In my case, I don't smoke, don't tan, and worry intermittently about chemicals absorbing into my skin from my moisturizers and lady products...but I also have tattoos and eat ridiculous amounts of fat.

    If ink does end up having some weird effect on my body (ink from my tattoos, a feminine hygiene product, writing my grocery list on my hand, whatever) I hope it's that I grow a tail. A long, agile, prehensile one! Hellz yeah.

  3. oooh, self portrait of the artist with a prehensile tail!!

  4. I like this idea! My tail could be holding a paintbrush! :D

  5. At the risk of revealing too much information, have you ever heard of the Diva Cup? No dye for your lady bits, there. :P It actually works wonders. Look it up. :)

  6. I have heard of the Diva cup! But it seems like taking it out would require an amount of...rummaging...that I may not be prepared to deal with. Speaking of too much information. :D