So intense I had to share.

This is a video of performance artist Marina Abramovic doing a piece where random people can come up to her and spend one minute sitting in silence with her.

Midway through the video, unbeknownst to her, her ex-lover Ulay shows up.  Ulay and Abramovic shared an intense relationship back in the 70s, doing performance art out of the van where they lived together.  When they realized the relationship was over they did one last performance piece: they walked the Great Wall of China starting at opposite ends, meeting in the middle for one last embrace - after which they parted ways, supposedly never to meet again.  Until now.





I admit it - the second the two of them made eye contact I totally lost my shit.  I didn't even realize it was possible to burst into tears that immediately, like a switch being flipped.

But dude.  You can see the two of them finally getting proper closure on their relationship.  You can see them let go of thirty-odd years of stored-up nostalgia - happiness and sadness and anger and regret - and forgive each other.  All without saying a word.

Aww goddammit I'm crying again.  Crying, and wondering whether The Boy and I can have a similar moment of catharsis at some point.  I don't think we're there yet.  But maybe someday.

Conversational Snippet #21: The Naked Truth.

I have just shown up to model for a life drawing class that has more than one instructor milling around.  Instructor #1 tells me to start doing thirty-second poses, so I do.  Once I've begun, Instructor #2 suddenly looks up from the drawings he's critiquing and notices I'm there.  Note that this particular school is pretty informal, unlike some where there's a No Talking to the Model Unless Absolutely Necessary rule.

Instructor #2:  Oh hi, Meredith!  I didn't mean to ignore you.  For some reason I totally didn't see you there until you started posing.

Me [voice somewhat muffled because I'm in a hunched-over pose with my chin on my chest]: My theory is that I'm so freakishly pale that the moment I disrobed, the blinding beams of light reflecting off my skin caught your attention.

Instructor #2: Yes!  That's clearly what it is.  Thank you for coming up with an explanation that doesn't just make me sound rude and oblivious.

Me [still hunched over, still muffled]: SCIENCE!!!!

Random student: *Guffaws*

My life is awesome.

Have you ordered your Glitter Bacon yet?

For those of you who don't know, I make and sell Christmas ornaments that look like glittery bacon slices.  These make a wonderful Christmas gift or a wildly inappropriate Hanukkah gift.

Each slice is lovingly shaped out of cloth and plaster and painted by hand (the whole process takes about ten steps!), and the superfine gold holographic glitter is sealed right into the varnish so that shizz isn't going anywhere.  The finished bacon comes nestled in an adorable turquoise gift box along with hooks for hanging and a little info card.

You can buy Glitter Bacon Ornaments in my Artfire store (or if you live in Toronto, hit up my booth at the Arts Market and save yourself the shipping costs!).

Hammy holidays, everyone! ;)

Artopsy

I just finished a big-ass painting for the first time in, like, months.

This was not an image I came up with on purpose; it just popped into my head exactly like this.  Which, for me, usually means the image is symbolic of something.  

A little context...

As you may know, my boyfriend and I recently split up.  I had high hopes of us getting back together someday, but have recently had the two-part epiphany that a) our problems aren't going to magically disappear just because we're living apart and b) as long as I think there's a chance of us getting back together, I won't be able to mourn or move on; I'll be stuck in a miserable post-breakup limbo.  So I know now that to move forward, I have to abandon all hope and face the fact that the relationship is done.

This painting is about accepting that my breakup with The Boy is final.  Let's dissect the imagery and see what makes it tick, shall we?

Apparently, in my paintings, pinks and magentas equal heartbreak.

I don't know why that is, but it does seem to be a burgeoning pattern:

Birds mean love.

That painting with the black bird?  Also a breakup painting (from a few years back).  And here's a happy painting I did about love:

Yep, even though birds are exploding out of that lady's chest cavity and she doesn't look thrilled about it, it's still a happy painting.  You can tell because:

The right side of the canvas represents the future/positivity, and the left side is the past/negativity.

Examples:

This guy is walking away from bad treatment and into a bright future.

He's sad about things that happened in the past.  She's acting as a force of optimism.

And here's a self-portrait of me bleeding from the mouth and being pissed off about how my day went.  

I don't do the left vs. right thing on purpose, by the way...it just happens.  I get an image in my head that needs to be oriented in a particular way and it would feel all kinds of wrong if I flipped it.  Took me years to figure out what was up with that.

So.

Here we have love (the bird) trying to revisit the past (left side of the canvas) against a pink background (heartbreak).  The bird has been shot (presumably fatally, considering how its chest is exploding) by someone out of frame who had to have been facing the right side of the canvas (the future).  The caption in the lower right corner (which you can't see in this close-up but if you scroll to the big pic at the top of the page it's there) is "now it's done."

This is totally a painting about me wanting things back the way they used to be - of wanting The Boy's love again - and (literally!) killing that thought so I can move forward.  Funfact: if this painting were about me not wanting to get back together with The Boy, the bird would be black and the feathers on the arrow would probably be some happy, bright colour.  And the background would probably be light blue (often - but not always - a happy colour for me) or apple green (often - but not always - a colour that represents being pissed off or vengeful).

One thing I can't figure out is why my brain told me, in no uncertain terms, that the background of this painting had to be all beaten up-looking (I'm not sure you can tell in the photos but I totally did "antique" the surface of the picture by painting the background onto a wood panel and then sanding the crap out of it).  My subconscious is mysterious and very, very detail-oriented.

I hope you enjoyed this brief overview of the symbolism in my paintings.  If you have any questions, feel free to ask 'em in the comments.  Unless it's like 2082 and you're using this blog post to research your thesis on me for university, in which case OMG I GOT FAMOUS ENOUGH TO WRITE A THESIS ON, THAT IS SO COOL, and also, I won't be responding to your comments because I am dead.

The She Said Pop Heartbreak Recovery Plan

Sooooo, after much deliberation, The Boy and I have decided that cohabitation is not really working for us.  He's moved into a new apartment and we're gonna take a break from each other for a while.  Time to bust out my Heartbreak Recovery Plan!

Oh yes, there is a Heartbreak Recovery Plan.  I followed the steps mostly by instinct or accident after my marriage went kerflooey in 2005, and after that I went through so much stupid shit out in the dating pool that I had lots of small opportunities to notice what I was doing to get over things, and to consciously realize why it helped.  Now I have the recovery process pretty much down to a science.

In case you're curious, here's what I'm gonna do over the next few months to get back on my feet.  The steps are more-or-less in order, although there's usually a lot of overlap between them:

Wallow

I am fully aware that breakups are a first-world problem.  I got a widdle boo-boo on my heart?  Who cares about that when there are so many actual important things to worry about, like cancer and animal abuse and Disney taking over the Star Wars franchise?

But...I care.  Losing The Boy is a big deal to me, so I'm giving myself permission to wallow without feeling guilty or stupid.  This may take the form of:

• Putting on my penguin jammies and watching old Garfield specials in the foetal position.
• Listening to sad music.
• Screaming "WHY, GOD?  WHYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?" while shaking my fist at the ceiling.
• Crying until my entire head is a pulsating red snot balloon.
• Making ludicrously dramatic and overblown pieces of art* (exaggeration is  cathartic, yo!  That painting up there?  I made it after I had one date with a guy and he didn't call me).
• Force-cuddling my cat, Birch, until he eventually struggles free and runs under the couch.
• Eating an entire thing of Ben & Jerry's New York Superfudge Chunk on one sitting and spending the subsequent 72 hours on a massive sugar high, unable to sleep because my eyeballs are vibrating too loudly.

I'll rein in the pity party around other people, of course; nobody wants to hear someone drone on in painful detail about their dead relationship and the dissolution thereof.  But when I'm by myself I'll be indulging the shit out of my inner drama queen.  It's therapeutic.

Be Nice to Myself

Without The Boy here to make me feel special and loved, I need to make myself feel special and loved.  Otherwise the withdrawal period will be mighty harsh.  I plan to:

• Buy myself treats and presents.
• Dress up sometimes, "just because."
• Eat lots of my favourite foods.
• Take myself to fun places.
• Spruce up the apartment with some new curtains and stuff.
• Just generally do things that make me feel good.

Obviously, I can't feasibly put on a cocktail dress and make myself a candlelight dinner of fresh salmon every night for the rest of my life, but if I feel like doing it every night this week, I'm goddamn well going to.  I'll taper it off as I start to feel more emotionally stable.

Not Wallow

It's good to let yucky feelings out, but in a weird way sadness can kind of feed itself - not unlike a car battery continually charging itself as it runs.  I'll need to balance my moping and crying with a healthy dose of social time with friends and loved ones.  And I'm gonna make sure most of that social time is spent actually having fun, not just whining about being sad.

I'll force myself to go places without my friends and loved ones, too.  I went out by myself all the time the last time I was single, but when The Boy moved in with me I kind of forgot how.  It's time to remind myself how good independence can feel.

Follow My Bliss

Pursuing hobbies is a way of raising my self-esteem and happiness levels that doesn't depend on anyone else. I used to rely entirely on other people's compliments to feed my self-worth, but that sucked - it made me all clingy and insecure and passive-aggressive.

But if I throw myself into painting (or jewellery making or sewing or...), my technique will improve.  The improvement will be tangible; I'll be able to see it with my own eyes, without needing anyone else to validate me.  Plus, arts-and-crafts projects totally put me in my happy place, again without needing anyone else.  And, y'know...at this point art is how I make a good chunk of my income, so I need to be doing that stuff anyway.

Analyze

Once I've got a little distance and perspective, I'll start analyzing what actually went wrong in my relationship with The Boy.  What qualities of his were problematic, and should I avoid people with those qualities in the future?  What qualities of mine were problematic, and can I change them?  What could I have done differently in the relationship?  What ultimately caused this rift between us, and how can I avoid falling into the same pattern in the future?

I think of this step as "debugging" myself: optimizing my brain for my next relationship, whenever that should happen.  It's not about becoming some kind of doormat Stepford wife, mind you.  It's about eliminating bad habits and unhealthy thoughts while keeping my core personality intact.

...Date?

I really can't imagine going on a date with someone new right now - it makes me feel a bit pukey, to be honest - but I suppose I'll want to get back on the horse at some point.  Here's how I'll know I'm ready:

• When I'm past the "Why does anyone bother with dating when all relationships are doomed anyway" phase.
• When the idea of meeting someone new sounds fun, not tedious.
• When I'm able to imagine what I want in a partner without thinking in terms of "...like The Boy" or "...not like The Boy."
• When I can hang out with a guy without constantly mentioning The Boy, thinking about The Boy or finding things in the new guy that remind me of The Boy (that one might take a little trial and error).
• When I truly understand that my date is an individual: if he does something annoying, it's not because "OMG why do guys do that it's so annoying," it's because he, in particular, is being annoying.  Yeah, maybe guys I've known in the past have done similarly annoying things, but it's a coincidence, not a conspiracy.

However, it should be said that the ultimate goal of my Heartbreak Recovery Plan isn't to get me to the point where I'm dating again - it's to get me to the point where I feel happy and fulfilled as a single person.  That way it doesn't even matter if I find someone new - I'll be fine either way.

*By the way, if I don't make any sad bastard paintings in the next month or so, it means I'm trying to ignore my feelings instead of processing them and you should totally call me out on it.  I'm serious.  Feel free to comment on this blog post or my Facebook page going "WHERE ARE THE SAD PAINTINGS, MOTHERFUCKER?!"

Conversational Snippet #20: Oh great, now I crave hot dogs.

[The Boy and I are sitting on the bed, hanging out.  As usual, he is naked.  He has just made a horrible joke.]

Me: Arrrrrrgh that was so awful.  I should give you a wedgie.

Boy: But I'm naked so I'm immune.  Ha!

[I give his pelvis a speculative look, wondering about the efficacy of trying to "wedgie" him with the blanket he's sitting on.]

Boy [following my gaze]: NO!  DON'T DO IT!

[I realize he thought I was going to try to reach through his legs and yank his junk up into his asscrack.]

Me: Ooooh.  How delightfully evil.  What would you even call that?  An "atomic wedgie" is when you pull the back of someone's underwear right over their head...so what do we call this?

Boy: Armageddon wedgie?  Uber-wedgie?

Me: I think we need to abandon the entire "wedgie" paradigm for this one.  Ooooh!  I have it!  Pulling a guy's junk back through his legs and up his asscrack is...a "chili dog."

Boy: ...?

Me: ...Because you're putting the wiener and beans between the buns.

Boy: There is not enough facepalm in the world for what you just said.

$5 Custom Pet Portraits - get 'em while you can!!!

Response to my $5 digital pet portraits has been good so far!  I've made over $200, which is a hell of a lot of drawings.  I've loved every minute of it...but, I've discovered that these pet commissions take me longer than I'd initially predicted, so I'm basically making minimum wage at this.  Often less.

With this in mind, I have decided to bump up the price of the portraits...but not until October 1st.  Which means you still have THREE WEEKS to take advantage of a truly amazing deal: FIVE BUCKS for a CUSTOM, ONE OF A KIND piece of art made JUST FOR YOU!

Here are thumbnails of just some of the commissions I've done.  Seeing them all in a row like this really makes me feel like I've accomplished something!  

Also, I am now way more competent at rendering various fur textures and markings than I was at the beginning of this journey.  The price of the portraits may be going up, but the quality has been steadily going up, too, is what I'm saying.

In conclusion: if you've been thinking of ordering one or more portraits from me but have been hesitating for some reason, NOW is the time to order!  Do it while they're still just $5!  And please pass this info along to your friends, too! :)