My latest little obsession.

I love painting food.  Partly, I love the challenge: not only am I trying to create the illusion of depth and texture on a flat surface, I'm also trying to create the illusion of deliciousness.  The other big reason I love painting food is that I loooove food - not in a gourmet, "foodie" kind of way, but in the pure and uncomplicated manner of a six-year-old - and in recent years I've discovered a bunch of food sensitivities that prevent me from eating most of my favourite things.

One thing I miss?  Sugar cereal.  Hell, I even miss "healthy" cereals.  I'd pretty much shiv a baby in the head for a big bowl of raisin bran right now, you don't even know.  I also miss canned pasta a lot (I told you I have the appetite of a 6-year-old).

How am I grieving my losses, you ask?  By painting the things I can't have.  I'm not sure why it makes me feel better, but it kind of does.

The rightmost paintings are probably my favourites because they're true: I did used to love when my cereal made the milk change colour, and I did used to save the marshmallows in marshmallowy cereal for last (by which time the milk would have partially dissolved them into a sweet, chewy foam...*droooool...*).  As for the bottom-left painting, well, I can't say that bran cereal ever made a noticeable difference in my pooping habits, but other people tell me it works for them so I took a leap of faith with that one.

Tangent: all of a sudden, I've become surprisingly good at lettering.  I'm not sure when that happened.  My writing on paintings has always tended to get bigger and bigger as the sentence went on and I'd have to redo it, but these all came out pretty awesome on the first try.  Disclaimer: I'm not coming up with the different writing styles out of my head or anything; I type each phrases in Word first, put it in a fancy font, and copy that.  But the fact remains that I'm doing it freehand, just by eyeballing the computer screen and then eyeballing the canvas.  And I'm proud of my work.

Sometime soon I'll have to do a painting of Kraft Dinner with cut-up hot dogs and ketchup all over it.  I'm salivating a bit at the very thought.

Shoutout Sunday: MC Mr. Napkins

I have often thought to myself, "Self, I would really like rap music if it didn't mostly seem to be about bitches and hos and getting shot."  I'm not being sarcastic here: I'm a big-time word nerd, and cleverly executed alliteration and/or rhythms and/or rhymes make me weak in the knees.  But as a nerdy girl who grew up in the suburbs, I can't really relate to most rap music; I may think certain songs are well-crafted, but the lyrics don't speak to me.

Enter MC Mr. Napkins (aka Zach Sherwin), who raps about subjects non-gangstas can appreciate: things like bizarre childhood toys, smoothies, and an overly aggressive bee!



I have seriously watched the Aggressive Bee on YouTube so many times that I can recite 80% of the lyrics by heart (if you knew how senile I am you'd recognize the significance of this).  Also (and this is not relevant to anything), gosh is he cute.  Reminds me a bit of The Boy only, y'know...less manscaped (I could eat lunch off The Boy's torso...in fact I think I'll do that later.  Anyway...).

MC Mr. Napkins' first album, The Album, is currently available on iTunes.  His official website (where you can see pictures of him, watch his videos, learn where he'll be performing next, etc.) is here.

Manliness is itchier than I had anticipated.

Today The Boy shaved using an electric razor and left a big pile of "hair dust" in the sink.  When I saw this, I did what any perfectly normal and well-adjusted 38-year-old woman would do: I smeared it on my face and neck to see how I'd look with badass Don Johnson stubble.

Answer: SMOKIN' HAWT.

How to Save Money

My parents have always been really...let's be diplomatic and say thrifty...so frugality is bred right into my bones.  It's so automatic for me that I had to teach myself how to turn off the mean, haranguing voice in my head that would lecture me any time I bought something frivolous (NB: now that I don't have a steady paycheque, I've invited The Voice back again to keep me in line.  I can invoke my cheapness at will like a superpower!!!).

I've always assumed that the money-saving measures I take are just common sense and therefore obvious to everyone, but I've definitely known some people who were perpetually broke and never knew why (and I wanted to raise my hand and go "Me!  I know why!  Please for the love of god let me fix this for you!"). So, in this post I'll share some of my money-saving techniques and philosophies. It may not all be useful or relevant to you, but I hope some of it is.

My biggest thing is: No Outside Food.  By "outside food" I mean stuff that didn't come from the grocery store.  Eating a meal in a restaurant costs more than preparing a similar thing at home, and buying snacks or bottles of water when I'm out wandering adds up fast.  If I'm poor, I'll avoid doing these things at all if I possibly can; under regular, non-poor circumstances, I'll let myself go to restaurants or for coffee, but I'll try to limit it to once a week.  If I know I'll be out running errands for a few hours, I'll bring an orange or some almonds and maybe a refillable water container with me in case I get hungry or thirsty.

More food things: I'm sure coupons are awesome, but I don't have the energy to find them, clip them, and remember to use them.  My style is to memorize the cheapest versions of everything I like to eat (bagged chicken leg quarters are quite a bit cheaper than thighs, for instance) and also to figure out which of my local stores carries each thing for the least amount of money.  Then my shopping is pretty much automatic - eggs and chicken from this store, lettuce and juice from that store.  I guess it helps that I eat the same few things all the damn time like a five year old - I can totally shop on autopilot because there are no decisions to make.  Of course, if I notice that something I like is way on sale, and that something is either canned or freezeable, I'll stock up.  Unless it's a dessert item because I have no self-control with those and my "two month supply" will end up lasting me approximately seven minutes.  Oh, and I try never to grocery shop on an empty stomach because the hunger will make me overspend.

I never skimp on the overall quality of my food in order to save money, btw (and I really, really hope it never comes to that).  Sure, I could live on ramen noodles and spend less money on groceries, but with my various food sensitivities I'd get all kinds of fucked up.  It's not worth compromising my health just so my savings will last longer.  And anyway an 18-hour-a-day gluten coma wouldn't leave much time for painting.

Entertainment: I love movies, but almost always wait for video instead of watching a film in the theatre.  Most movie theatres here cost around $12; the cheap rack at the video store is maybe $3, and if I love the movie I can watch it again a few times for free before I return it.  Likewise, if there's a movie I love and want to buy, I figure if I wait long enough it'll end up in the bargain bin.

One of the biggest money savers for me is simply staying away from malls and clothing stores; I can't want something if I don't know it's out there*.  Also, I find that most cravings for shiny new things will go away if I wait long enough.  If I get sick of all the self-denial and decide that I do want to buy the shiny bauble I've been wanting...I try to hold off until there are a few other things I want/need, too.  I find that it's all too easy to pick up a lipgloss here and a pair of tights there and not really remember it, and the costs add up; when I buy myself a few things at once, it's an exciting little mini-spree that actually feels like something.  I guess my point is that I try to make sure all the purchases I make - no matter how minor - are deliberate rather than impulsive.

I used to buy a montly transit pass that let me take unlimited bus/streetcar/subway rides, but that is no longer viable now that I'm self-employed.  Interestingly, even though it's been about ten years since I've been without either a Metropass or a husband with a car, I find I've effortlessly slipped back into my old habits of grouping all my errands by geographical location and walking places whenever possible.  Special bonus: The Boy has a Metropass and it's legal to lend them to other people, so occasionally I'll give him two tokens so he can get to and from work and then borrow his pass for the day.  That way I can go all the hell over the place for the price of those two tokens ($5.  Buying my own transit day-pass would've cost $9).

What I'd really love is to buy a bike - even the places I go that are too far to walk are well within my idea of biking distance.  The problem, though, is that the traffic terrifies me and there aren't enough bike lanes, so I can't see myself doing this.

If it seems like I consistently have less money than I think I should and I can't think why, I'll start writing down all my purchases (and the amounts) for a month or so.  This makes it easy to analyze what's going on and decide how I can do better next month.  Another good trick is to use cash for everything that isn't rent or groceries.  Debit is too abstract and hard to keep track of; when you set a budget for yourself and you can physically see your pile of bills dwindling as the month wears on, it can be a reality check.

Credit card expenditure is even more abstract and hard to keep track of.  I'm pretty anal retentive about money (as you can probably tell by now) and wouldn't be prone to credit card rampages, but still...I don't keep the card in my wallet so I'm not tempted. :)

Do you have any money-saving tips to add?  Do you have anything to ask or tell me about mine?  That's what the comments section is for!

*I mean, okay, I can want new clothes even if I'm just sitting around at home.  But if I go to the mall I might see a specific dress that's adorable and matches whatever my current hair colour is, but it's $70, but there's only one left in my size and ARGH.  That mall dilemma is way worse to live with then "I wish I had some new clothes, le sigh."

See No Evil, Speak No Evil, Occasionally Hear Some Evil But Ignore it in Order to be Polite.

Sometimes, when I'm using a public restroom and someone is in the stall next to mine, I start obsessing on the fact that the side of my naked ass is eighteen inches away (tops!) from the side-ass of a total stranger.  The presence of the stall wall makes this proximity tolerable, but nonetheless I'm technically performing eliminatory functions way closer to an unknown person than I would ever choose to.

Imagine: the difference between "brief and totally unremarkable pit stop" and "lifelong trauma and humiliation" is just that thin little wall that's not soundproof and doesn't even go all the way to the floor.  We laugh at parakeets for thinking it's nighttime when you cover their cage, but how different is this, really?  "Well, I can't see other people - except for their feet - so clearly this is a completely safe and secluded place."

By the way...I'm tall, and most bathroom stalls only come up to my nose.  Which isn't a big deal for me - I'm sitting down once I get in there anyway, so I can still maintain some small illusion of privacy.  But the walls of fitting rooms are usually that same height, and changing one's clothes is a standing-up activity.  Have you ever accidentally made eye contact with a stranger while you were semi-naked?  It's...awkward.  Especially when you're in a highly undignified struggle with a garment that turned out to be too small.

Love Song: Ur Doin It Rong.

So, at my last job they used to play a particular Lou Rawls song on the oldies station all the time (it is not, as I had previously thought, by Barry White...it took me ten minutes of Googling to figure this out...I hope you appreciate my dedication).  The song starts like this:

You'll never find, as long as you live
Someone who loves you tender like I do
You'll never find, no matter where you search
Someone who cares about you the way I do
Whoa, I'm not braggin' on myself, baby
But I'm the one who loves you
And there's no one else, no-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh one else

 And the chorus goes:

Whoa, I'm not tryin' to make you stay, baby
But I know some how, some day, some way
You are (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove

The whole song is basically just the same sentiment of "I love you more than anyone else ever will" repeated in a few different ways.

At first I just accepted this as a love song because the Barry-White-ish production values clearly indicate that this is what it's supposed to be.  However, repeated listenings made the lyrics sink deep into my subconscious and I eventually realized that the song is actually a threat.  Lou Rawls may not have meant to be creepy, but the fact is he's flat-out telling his girlfriend that if she leaves him, she'll be alone and miserable for the rest of her life.  And even though this girl is breaking up with him - meaning either she doesn't love him or the relationship is dysfunctional - Lou is convinced that one day she'll look back on their loveless and/or broken relationship and miss it.

Lou.  Seriously.  Let's say this song is dedicated to a real woman and that you're the one who wrote it (I have no idea whether either of these things is true): would you really have wanted her to stay with you solely because she didn't think she could get anyone else?  Would you be all "Yay, the song worked!  She's back!" or might that victory feel just a tiny bit hollow?

Also: there are people out there who regularly tell their partner, "Nobody's ever gonna love you as much as I do, y'know."  Unfortunately, these tend to be the same people who regularly tell their partner, "I'm sorry I hit you, honey, but sometimes you just make me so mad."  You might be better off taking a whole different approach that isn't associated with manipulation and abuse.  Just putting that out there.

As long as we're on the subject of Love Songs With Unintentional Douchebaggery, let's talk about Lover, You Should've Come Over by Jeff Buckley.

Don't get me wrong, I love Jeff Buckley.  His voice is so beautiful and so plaintive that he could probably make me cry just by reading the damn phone book*.  Also, I think that Lover, You Should've Come Over is one of the best breakup songs of all time.  Except for this one little thing:

Lonely is the room, the bed is made
The open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one
Who dreams he had you with him [emphasis mine]

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT, JEFF BUCKLEY?  Are you psychic, or are you literally the only person your ex-girlfriend has ever met?  Because if your ex comes into contact with other human beings, and if she has any redeeming qualities at all, chances are someone could have a little crush on her.  I mean...you fell for her, so clearly she is appealing in some way, right?

Unless you are in fact psychic.  Then I guess you do know that nobody is currently interested in your girlfriend.  Either way, though...what does that have to do with you missing her?  Do you think it takes away from your anguish if someone else misses her, too, or what?

Don't even get me started on the swirling morass of ick that is More Than Words by Extreme.  Seriously.  Has nobody else actually read the lyrics to that atrocity?


*I'm being facetious.  If I woke up to find Jeff Buckley reading aloud from my phone book, I'd most likely scream a whole lot.  He died in 1997.

Look what I made!

I haven't been blogging as often as I'd like...the tasks involved in opening the new Artfire store are so daunting and numerous that I've been mostly paralyzed for the past week or so, unable to choose a place to start.

The good news is, I finally managed to break through this paralysis on Sunday.  The not-as-good news is that I didn't get any of the tasks done that need doing; I lost myself in the process of painting some new stuff instead.  But hey, I'm grateful just to be doing something productive/creative.  Beats the hell out of what I was doing before - which was similar to slacking off, except neither restorative nor relaxing because below my surface-torpor my brain was spinning all over the place.

Anyway.  I made two roughly life-size pictures of ice cream cones!  I think they're cute and creepy at the same time.

The one on the left demonstrates my love of creating cognitive dissonance by combining elements together that you wouldn't expect.  The one on the right shows my dorky love of puns.

These paintings are somewhat of a departure for me because the backgrounds aren't one flat colour (this is the closest to abstract art I've ever gotten!).  Also, I'm having a lot of fun trying to write words in different "fonts" instead of just using my own handwriting.  I'll definitely be doing more stuff like this soon!