Cat Lesson #3: Cats are Secretive Bastards.

I read somewhere that wild animals will usually eat their own vomit so predators don't find it and realize there's sick, weak prey in the area.  I've never seen a housepet do this, though, so I assumed that the barf-eating instinct must have faded away over centuries of domestication.  After all, when you live in a household with a bunch of doting humans, you don't wanna hide your illness from them, you wanna flaunt it so they can snuggle and spoil you*.

Well, it seems I was not entirely correct in my theory.  No, Birch doesn't eat his puke - but he tries to bury it!  I picked some socks up off the floor one day and found a pile of rapidly cooling Chunky Kibble Surprise underneath.  Since that day I've actually witnessed him throw up and then immediately try to scrape something over the mess (or just compulsively and repeatedly scrape the bare floor).

So, okay, I guess some domesticated animals still have the instinct to cover all traces of sickness.  I get that.  But the thing is?  Birch does the same thing with his food and water!  Sporadically, for no reason at all, he'll finish eating/drinking and then shove any available floor clutter into his bowls to cover up the leftovers.  I've had to pick grocery receipts out of his water on several occasions.  Once, he rolled a big ball of yarn in there.

Birch is our only pet; there are no other animals in the house.  Who, then, does he think he's hiding his food and water from?  Is he concealing it from me - the person who decided to put his dishes there in the first place - or from The Boy, who's in charge of keeping the dishes filled on a daily basis?  It's a mystery.

Do you have a cat or dog who does this stuff?  Do you have theories about why they do this stuff?  Tell me your stories in the comments!

*I may be projecting here.

Caturday: Birchy's Bathtime Adventures

Birch likes to keep me* company when I'm in the bathtub.

Or maybe "keep me company" isn't quite right...it seems more likely that he's baffled that anyone would choose to get wet on purpose, and the concept is so grotesque to him that he can't look away.  At any rate, when I'm in the bathtub he has a tendency to come up to the edge and stare at it with trepidation...

...And then lightly pat the water with his paw as if checking to make sure it's really there and not just a mirage induced by some bad kibble...

...And then recoil as if it bit him.

...Usually several times in a row.

When he gets tired of ascertaining whether the bathtub is in fact filled with water, he'll jump up on the edge and pace fretfully back and forth, pausing frequently to stare into my face and make sure I'm okay.

"Just say the word and I'll go get help!"

Sometimes, he'll actually calm down enough to lounge on the edge of the bathtub for a bit.  On at least two occasions, his tail has fallen in and he just sat there oblivious, swishing it back and forth through the water.  I don't know how he didn't notice his gaffe.  My bathwater is hot enough to boil cabbage in.  

The last time he accidentally dunked his tail, the realization did hit him eventually...all at once.  He jumped about a foot in the air and then tore out of the room like a maniac.  Naturally, he managed to slash his soaking wet tail across my face in the process.  Why wouldn't he?

For the next hour or so, his tail had a visible high tide line on it.  On one side of the line, a luxuriant floofy column of awesomeness; on the other side, a gross, scrawny little whip made of gristle and vertebrae.  He kept thrashing it around.  It's unclear whether he was trying to air-dry it or he was just plain pissed off.  I'm guessing both.

It never stops surprising me how tiny and sinewy cats really are, underneath their fur.  Maybe that's the real reason cats hate getting wet - it's not because it feels gross to them, it's because they know that without proper fur coverage they look like ugly little mutants.

Uh...no offense, Birchy.  Wuv you!


*Only me.  Never The Boy - at least not since The Boy tried to pull Birch in with him. Never let anyone tell you that animals have short memories.

*****

Do you live in Toronto?  Then you totally need to swing by my stall at the Arts Market!  I've just started selling necklaces and magnets with teeny-tiny prints of my paintings on them.  They are vibrant and beautiful and will add a glorious finishing touch to your sternum and/or refrigerator.

Caturday: My Cat the Supergenius

So, my booth at the Arts Market is coming along...although it's not nearly in the state I want it to be, yet.  It's surprisingly slow going when you have to schlep all your tools, supplies, merchandise, etc. on the subway an hour each way.  But in the process of getting things in order, I realized just how smart my cat Birch is.

See, one day I was sitting on the couch making signage for my booth, and I had paper and paint and foamcore board and wire and scissors and god knows what else spread all across the floor at my feet.  Birch - who had been asleep beside me - woke up and went to jump onto the floor, and I quickly stuck my hand out to stop him and said "Dude, don't do this right now, you'll mess up Mommy's supplies."

Birch's expression very clearly said "Well what the fuck am I supposed to do?" so I told him "You can go around, like this" and drew an imaginary line around my heap of art supplies with my finger.  Birch immediately hopped down and followed the exact path I'd mapped out for him to go to the kitchen.  After he'd had a drink of water, he came to the kitchen doorway and paused uncertainly, looking at me like "now what?" so I drew another imaginary line back to the couch and patted the cushion beside me and he followed my unspoken directions again.

At the time, this exchange felt totally natural to me: my cat had an issue, he mentioned it to me, and we negotiated a solution, simple as that.  But when I stopped and thought about it afterward, it occurred to me that these sorts of interspecies conversations are probably not standard.  And I'm no expert on feline psychology, so correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure expressing the sentiment "tell me how I'm supposed to get to the kitchen with all this crap strewn across the floor" with a single look and understanding the concept of "pointing" pretty much makes Birch the Stephen Hawking of cats, or at least the Carl Sagan.

I used to believe that Birchy isn't very bright.  I mostly based this belief on the fact that he'll do the same annoying thing fifty times in a row, even though I punish him; it seemed like he must be too dumb to comprehend the simple cause-and-effect of "putting my paw on Mommy's dinner plate makes her yell and push me."  Now it's dawning on me that he totally knows he's making me mad, but just doesn't give a shit.

So he's not just a genius, he's an evil genius.  I should probably start locking him out of the bedroom while I sleep.

Tell me about your genius animals!

***

You can purchase adorable original paintings of kitties - both evil and non-evil - in my Artfire store.  Go see!

Caturday: Hoomans Are Weerd.

See the top of Birch's head in that photo up there? That white patch with the little black spot in the middle?  That's his Kissing Bullseye - I smooch him there all the time.  He also has big dark spots on his back and butt that I enjoy pressing on while making different-pitched noises, as though he were a very abstract, jiggly piano.

I can't be the only one who does shit like this.  And because cats (probably?) have no conception at all of what they look like - let alone an understanding of the stupid little games humans play - there must be some very confused kitties out there.

"Why does everyone always poke my nose?"

"Why does everyone always tug my tail?"

"Why does everyone always make MOO sounds at me?"

"Why does everyone always tell me not to invade Poland?"

'Course, Birch's favourite sleeping position lately is cuddled up against me with his front paws stuffed in my mouth*, so I guess we all have our inscrutable compulsions.

*Okay, okay, I never actually let him put his paws in my mouth.  But every night, as I'm trying to fall asleep, he spoons up next to me and then flails repeatedly and insistently at my lower face.  I can only assume that his objective is oral penetration.  Or perhaps nasal penetration: on several occasions, his toe got hooked in my nostril and he stayed like that, purring like a bastard, until I manually disengaged him.

___

Speaking of alien behaviour...check out this new painting in my Artfire store!  It's a must-have for science fiction fans, and the shipping is FREE. :)

Caturday: and Now For Something Completely Different

So as I've mentioned, with The Boy and I both home on a full-time basis, I never know what the hell day it is anymore.  I spent all of Saturday happily painting, and then just after midnight I realized it was Caturday and I was like

:O 

...but then I realized that the painting I finished today is tenuously cat-related and I was like 

:D.

And that's why this week's slightly late Caturday post is a 6"x12" painting of a hot Asian boy wearing kitty ears.

True story.

_____

Valentine's Day is coming up!  If you need a gift for your sweetie, might I humbly suggest this Flying Heart necklace from my Zazzle store?  It's sterling plated and the picture is gorgeously vibrant and when you hand it to your special someone, you can say "I'm giving this to you 'cause this is how my heart feels when I'm with you."  And then you'll probably get laid a whole lot because that is a killer line. 

You give my heart wings by SheSaidPop
(It comes in a round version, too, if that's what turns your crank.)

Caturday: Kitteh Wuz 98-Lb. Weakling!

So the other day a smallish orange escaped my grocery bag and rolled onto the floor.  Birch started playfully batting it around, which was totally adorable.  It also kind of surprised me because an orange is, like, a hundred times heavier than one of his hollow plastic jingle-ball toys.  He rolled it across the floor without any apparent effort, though.

I started wondering: does Birch need a heavier workout than he's been getting?  Is this business with the orange a cry for help?

The Boy and I think we should put him on a hardcore weight training program as follows:

Step 1: Buy Birch a new and incrementally heavier piece of produce to toss around every week.

Step 2: Watch his upper body slowly but surely become a rippling wall of muscle.  Do cats have biceps?  THEY DO NOW.

Step 3: ???

Step 4: PROFIT!

Move over, Gallagher: in six weeks there'll be a new watermelon-smasher in town!

On second thought, I probably don't want to give my whiny, demanding, attention-whore kitty the ability to hurl 25lb pumpkins at my head...so maybe I'll just leave well enough alone.

***

My Artfire store has wonderful original paintings of cats and cattiness!  You should go look. :)

Caturday: GET A JOB, BIRCH!

The Boy and I have an Ikea Expedit in our living room*.

It looks like this, only crammed full of books, knicknacks, and a bunch of The Boy's lingerie and wigs.

A few days ago, The Boy completely cleared out one of the second-row compartments so Birch would have his very own fort.  He stuck Birch in there and Birch got all huffy about it...

...for about fifteen seconds.  

Judging by his body language, the progression of his thoughts went something like, "HEY!  Don't pick me up and put me places, jackass.  You're not the boss of me!  I'm a cat and I go where I wanna go!  ...Is that a view of the couch?  That's kinda cool, actually.  What am I, like, two feet off the ground?  Sweet!  And I like the low ceiling...very cosy.  Y'know what?  It's awesome in here!  I'm gonna settle in and make myself comfortable."

"...Reeeeeeeeeeeally comfortable."

And from that point onward, Birch hung out in there all the time.

We were referring to that space as Birch's "compartment" until The Boy randomly used the word "cubicle" instead...and inadvertently opened up a whole new world of hilarity.  Birch's "compartment" is now his "office" and when we pass by, we make jovial quips at him like, "Logging some overtime, Birchy?"  "Sleeping on the job, Birchy?"  "Frank from Accounts Payable filed a sexual harassment complaint against you and HR is asking for your voluntary resignation, Birchy" or "I'm promoting you to Vice President of Cuteness!"   

Birch somehow fails to see the humour in any of this.  Maybe he's been working too hard.  

I should probably encourage him to use some of his vacation days.

*Yes, we routinely refer to it as "the Expedit", and yes, this makes us feel like pretentious douchebags.  But when one of us misplaces something there, it's easier for the other to say "You left it on the Expedit" than "You left it on the big shelving unit with all the square compartments."

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Have you seen the "furmaids" in my Artfire store yet?  These original paintings of housepets with mermaid-tails make wonderful, whimsical gifts for pet owners!  And until December 31st, you can use coupon code SHESAIDPOPBLOG at checkout to get 15% off your first purchase!

Caturday: My Favourite Furmaid

I've been kinda trapped in one of my anxiety loop thingies for a while, but I seem to be breaking out of it.  I got a whole bunch of image editing done recently, and today I made a new listing on Artfire that cat people should really enjoy (hence my posting this on Caturday).  

[Drumroll, please..........]

Ta daaaa!  Click here for the full listing!

I call this creature a furmaid - part furry animal, part mermaid*.  I really love how this one turned out!  I've painted five or six furmaids so far (a few cat ones and a dog) - the rest should be appearing in my store over the next few days.  Happy Caturday, everyone!

And don't forget that until December 31st, you can use the code SHESAIDPOPBLOG at checkout to get 15% off your first purchase. :)

*I know, I know.  Etymologically speaking, I should've gone with "catfish" or "mercat" or something like that.  But those options don't sound cute or rhyme with anything so meh.

Caturday: Barfing is Srs Bsns.

This whole post is about throwing up.  It's not super-graphic, but I'm warning you anyway just in case you're really, really bothered by that sort of thing.

Today I woke up to the sound of Birch preparing to throw up on the floor next to the bed.  With lightning-quick reflexes, I seized a nearby roll of paper towel and unfurled it under his face.

Now, maybe I'm abnormal or something, but every time I've ever vomited it kind of caught me off-guard.  It's like my stomach decided to throw me a horrible surprise party but it couldn't find any confetti so it tossed partially digested peanut M&Ms and Diet Pepsi into the air instead.  Surprise!

I didn't have to concentrate on vomiting.  It just happened.

Cats and dogs are different.  I have never seen anyone fixate as single-mindedly on a task as a dog or cat does when it has to puke. A heart surgeon or bomb defuser couldn't achieve such focus.  And god forbid you should try to intervene once the puke cycle has been engaged; from what I can tell, animals believe that their nausea actually freezes time, and disproving this by touching them or moving anything will throw them into a spiral of confusion and rage.

So of course when I put the paper towel down, Birch's little peanut brain couldn't deal with the cognitive dissonance ("I wuz gonna barf on the carpet where did the carpet go I haz to find it") and he tried - still violently heaving, mind you - to walk away.  I gently held his shoulders to keep him centred over the paper towel and he was like, "FUCK OFF I HAZ TO GO BARF ON THE CARPET" and he squirmed (and heaved) and struggled (and heaved) and finally forcibly pried my hand off him using his hind claws.  During this whole thing, he remained staring at the floor with that insane level of focus; I don't think he even consciously knew I was holding on to him, he just knew that something was interrupting the puke cycle and it had to be stopped, so some kind of autopilot kicked in.

Birch did end up barfing onto the paper towel, by the way; it happened before he had a chance to go anywhere.  Also, all that came up was foam - no trace of kibble.  Maybe I managed to disrupt his process after all. 

***

Well, that was gross.  Here, soothe yourself with this picture of an adorable robot - just one of many amazing original paintings available in my Artfire store.  Use the code SHESAIDPOPBLOG at checkout to get 15% off your order!

Caturday: Odds and Ends

The Boy quit his job about a month ago and is home for the time being. His previous work schedule was the main way I kept track of what day of the week it was, so now I never know what the hell is going on.  But it has come to my attention that today is Caturday, so here are three Birch stories for you.

1) We have a grid-shaped shelving unit against one wall of the living room.  One of the lower "holes" is relatively empty, and yesterday Birch was staring at it like he was thinking of climbing in there.  The Boy, in turn, was nonchalantly keeping an eye on Birch while sloooowly moving toward the big wooden storage box I've been using for a coffee table.  Oh yeah...I knew where this was going.  I said, "Don't brick him in there, Edgar Allen Poo" and The Boy sheepishly sat back down again.

2) One thing I really appreciate about Birch is that he's so laid-back.  My dog Merle always took it personally if I (or anyone) accidentally clonked him or tripped over him - he'd immediately cower and look at me like "Why did you hurt me?  What did I do wrong?" and it was heartbreaking.  Birch, conversely, seems to understand that sometimes shit happens and it's nothing personal.

Example: the other night in bed I went to shift sleeping positions, not realizing Birch was near me, and basically drove both of my knees into his spine hard enough to slide his whole body up by about a foot and a half.  I felt horrible, and immediately apologized and gave him some pets - but Birch basically shrugged and said "We're cool" and went right back to sleep.  I'm glad this stuff doesn't traumatize him because it happens kind of a lot. :P

3) The other day Birch was being all Crazy Cat (you know, that thing cats all do where they start zipping around the house and attacking imaginary prey) and it was seriously impeding our DVD-watching, so The Boy grabbed Birch and force-cuddled him in an attempt to mellow him out.  At first, I thought it was working; Birch wasn't meowing or struggling, so I assumed he'd forgotten about the imaginary mousies and had contentedly settled into The Boy's embrace.  But then I caught sight of his face.  It was not the face of a happy kitty.

The sheer impotent rage in Birch's expression made me laugh my ass off, which made him even madder.  Taking his picture certainly didn't help his mood, either.  But I had to preserve the moment. 

Good thing Birch isn't the vengeful sort or I'd be in the hospital, typing this entry with my stumps.

***

Have you seen the holiday items in my Zazzle store yet?  You should go take a look!  My two snowman cards have each been called "The best holiday card ever!" by different people. There's also a card with a BDSM robot on it for your friends who are into consensual beatings.  And you can customize any of them with whatever words you want!

Caturday: just a quick blurb.

Birch is pretty affectionate, as far as cats go.  He likes to lie next to me (or sometimes in my lap, but only when he wants to, not if I put him there) and will generally submit to being picked up/cuddled/smooched for a few moments before he starts to struggle.

Last night, however, was unprecedented: he fell asleep with the side of his face literally mashed against my mouth and nose.

I was flattered, and his face smelled okay, so I let him remain there.  He stayed for hours. It was epic.

***

Love kitties?  Click here to see all the cat paintings currently for sale in my Artfire store!

Cat Lesson #2: Sound and Fury.

I've known many cats in my lifetime, and each one has taught me something important about life, cats, or even myself!

And just the other day, Birchy taught me physics!  Now I know that his body transmits shock waves.  Possibly, it even amplifies them.

SCIENCE!

*****

My Artfire store has many original pop-art paintings of kitties, most of which reflect cat lessons I have learned (whether I've written about them here yet or not).  Click here to see all my cat paintings - and remember that if you enter the code SHESAIDPOPBLOG at checkout, you'll save 15% on your first purchase!  (Offer valid until December 31, 2011)

Caturday: Well now one of you is gonna have to go change.

So, Birch is mostly white...but his tail is black.  And for some reason, his tail attaches to his butt in a perfect, symmetrical square shape.  Yup, that's right, his long, dangly tail emerges from a square of dark fur.  And one time -

Well, I'll just show you.

True story.

*****

Speaking of cats and general inappropriateness, check out this original 4"x6" painting you can buy in my Artfire store for just $24 USD:

...it's the perfect holiday gift for that one friend with the cat and the tendency to overshare!  I also sell many other pieces of original art that don't allude to masturbation, so there's truly something for everyone.  If you enter the code SHESAIDPOPBLOG at checkout, you'll save 15% on your first purchase - but only if you buy something before December 31st. So go browse!  Run, don't walk!

Caturday: Cat Lesson #1.

I cared for several friends' kitties before getting one of my own (actually, the catsitting helped me realize I was ready for one of my own!).  My cat experiences have taught me many things, both about cats and about myself.  And today I figured, why not share these pearls of wisdom on my blog?  This post is labeled #1 because it's the first in the series, but the memories themselves are in no particular order.  I'm just posting whatever comes to mind.

So anyway.  Birch taught me that I can't stand it when my lips and nostrils are wet.  How did a cat teach me this?  Because I never noticed my compulsive habit of drying off my mouth and nose first thing out of the shower...until I started living with a fluffy cat who likes to sleep on towels.

Hey, I never said these lessons would be useful.  I only said that they happened. :D

*****

Can't get enough kitties?  Check out the cat paintings in my Artfire store!  You'll get 15% off your first purchase when you enter the code SHESAIDPOPBLOG at checkout!  (Offer expires December 31, 2011.)

Caturday: I Wouldn't Call Him HIGHLY Functional...

I was reading the Wikipedia article on Asperger Syndrom recently and a few of the symptoms seemed...familiar.

Like, for instance, accidentally infringing on other people's boundaries because one is inefficient at picking up on social cues...

...And focusing extremely intensely on a limited and specific range of interests...

...and being physically uncoordinated.

So...yeah.  I think Birch may have some sort of autism cattism spectrum disorder.

...I'm kidding, obviously - I'm not sure cat brains are complex enough to even have something like Asperger's.  But it amuses me how easy it is to "diagnose" Birch with various things...I bet if I analyzed his behaviour enough I could find evidence of all kinds of mental issues, from clinical depression to sociopathy.  Maybe I'll do a series of Caturday posts like that - a new condition every week.  What do you think?

*****

Have you checked out my Artfire store yet? There are many hilarious paintings of cartoon kitties, and if you enter the coupon code SHESAIDPOPBLOG you'll get 15% off your first purchase!  (Offer expires December 31, 2011)