This whole post is about throwing up. It's not super-graphic, but I'm warning you anyway just in case you're really, really bothered by that sort of thing.
Today I woke up to the sound of Birch preparing to throw up on the floor next to the bed. With lightning-quick reflexes, I seized a nearby roll of paper towel and unfurled it under his face.
Now, maybe I'm abnormal or something, but every time I've ever vomited it kind of caught me off-guard. It's like my stomach decided to throw me a horrible surprise party but it couldn't find any confetti so it tossed partially digested peanut M&Ms and Diet Pepsi into the air instead. Surprise!
I didn't have to concentrate on vomiting. It just happened.
Cats and dogs are different. I have never seen anyone fixate as single-mindedly on a task as a dog or cat does when it has to puke. A heart surgeon or bomb defuser couldn't achieve such focus. And god forbid you should try to intervene once the puke cycle has been engaged; from what I can tell, animals believe that their nausea actually freezes time, and disproving this by touching them or moving anything will throw them into a spiral of confusion and rage.
So of course when I put the paper towel down, Birch's little peanut brain couldn't deal with the cognitive dissonance ("I wuz gonna barf on the carpet where did the carpet go I haz to find it") and he tried - still violently heaving, mind you - to walk away. I gently held his shoulders to keep him centred over the paper towel and he was like, "FUCK OFF I HAZ TO GO BARF ON THE CARPET" and he squirmed (and heaved) and struggled (and heaved) and finally forcibly pried my hand off him using his hind claws. During this whole thing, he remained staring at the floor with that insane level of focus; I don't think he even consciously knew I was holding on to him, he just knew that something was interrupting the puke cycle and it had to be stopped, so some kind of autopilot kicked in.
Birch did end up barfing onto the paper towel, by the way; it happened before he had a chance to go anywhere. Also, all that came up was foam - no trace of kibble. Maybe I managed to disrupt his process after all.
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Ha so true! Dog daughter would do the same thing "No Mom! Must puke on carpet!" only thing worse was when I would get there too late to keep her from eating it as if she were thinking dammit that belong in my stomach and it is going back in!
ReplyDeleteUgh...when I was growing up, my parents collected bacon grease (for cooking with, maybe? I dunno) and kept it in a container under the sink. One time our dog got into it. She'd eaten and then vomited the grease at least twice by the time someone grabbed her and stopped the madness.
ReplyDeleteGood thing animals are cute, otherwise we'd never want anything to do with them!